


A Drought of Action in the Mind

by ronans



Series: Prompts [3]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Overdose, Suicide Attempt, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 05:50:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2801897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronans/pseuds/ronans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>Prompt:</strong> Mickey realizes how he and many others take Ian for granted and tries to make up for it (As angsty as possible, Thank you love!) - <a href="http://southsidemilkovich.tumblr.com/post/105620785109/prompt-where-mickey-realizes-how-he-and-many">Anon</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	A Drought of Action in the Mind

**Author's Note:**

> You said angst... I bring angst...  
> And on Christmas, gosh, I'm such an asshole
> 
> Title: Numb - Sam Brookes  
> The title consists of my favourite lyric, I don't know why, I just love it a lot. And the whole song is gorgeous.

It seemed like it all happened in slow motion. Mickey’d looked out for the knives, had hidden them so fucking carefully, the razors too. And then he’d watched Ian like a hawk as he’d shaved.

The pills, though. Monica’s pills. They were supposed to help, were supposed to keep him here and grounded.

It’s hard to see how they help at all when Ian’s sprawled out on the kitchen floor and can’t tell what’s real and what’s not and the bottle’s empty. This had been their homemade solution for keeping Ian with them, but, ultimately it had backfired and they hadn’t worked. Who knew the same pills didn’t work for everyone.

Ian slurring, crashing into the counter, knocking down the boiling hot frying pan he’d been cooking pancakes with off the stove and leaving a burn up his arm. The images are scarred into Mickey’s retinas and they don’t hesitate to replay at every waking moment. He squeezes his eyes shut but it just seems to make it worse.

And then the fucking hospital bills, the damn _psych_ ward, the coldness of the bedroom without Ian in it. It’s fucked with his head. To think that Ian could feel that low, to think that Ian might not be here. _Ian could have died_. Mickey’s pretty damn shaken up about it.

The little things Ian’s done in the past amount to a lot more now there’s been a chance of them disappearing. Small touches, Ian’s voice when he’s passionate or when he’s just talking to Mickey about useless shit. Ian alive.

Mickey’s got to be thankful that he’s home now, he’s safe… he hopes he’s fucking safe, but he can’t tell what destructive, awful shit swirls around in Ian’s brain as he lies there on the bed.

He’s taken Ian for granted, he knows that. He’s toyed with him for a long time in the past, just assuming they could start everything back up, that Ian would _be there_ and ready for him. There’s something about Ian’s mortality that’s given him a fucking reality check. Ian’s not going to last forever, Ian probably won’t even be Mickey’s forever.

Then he starts thinking about the other Gallagher’s, how they’ve been by Ian’s side but not at the same time. Mickey gets it; they’ve got their own problems. But it’s hard to think rationally about their distant actions when Ian’s lying motionless in his bed, staring at the wall with no emotion of his face. He’s not touched him for weeks.

He thinks about how Liam’s too young to really notice much about his brother, but that Ian really cared- _cares_ for him. How he’d mention helping Carl out with something or other to do with his ROTC training. Ian and Debbie had always been quite close, not so much lately, but Debbie’d really wanted to look out for her brother up until the point where she didn’t know what to do anymore. Over the years Lip and Ian have drifted apart, more to do with Lip pulling away from the Gallagher’s slowly but surely. But Mickey knows Ian and Lip were close, and Ian had kept him on track by calling him out on his bullshit, and that’s really fucking important. And Fiona. Fiona who paid the bills with the help of the cash Ian earned, who had Ian as a constant support through some of the tougher shit before he ran away – Thanksgiving, for example.

Mickey can’t help it, but he kind of wishes they’d fucking wake up and notice that their brother’s not fine and that he’s crucial in their lives whether they realise it or not.

Occasionally, Ian buries his hands under his body to hide the aftereffect tremors from Mickey, but the shakes travel, and of course Mickey notices. It makes him want to fucking scream.

‘Ian?’ Mickey calls hesitantly. Ian doesn’t respond, and when he does, it’s usually monosyllable answers. ‘Ian, you gotta eat somethin’.’

‘No.’

His reedy voice fucks him the hell up.

‘You haven’t eaten in days.’ _You tryna get yourself killed_?

‘I’m fine,’ Ian whispers, adjusting a little on the bed but his back’s still to Mickey. The other day he and Mandy had had to clear up the bile from the sheets that Ian had thrown up during the night. There’s nothing left inside him and yet his body still tries to get rid of more.

‘You’re not fuckin’ fine,’ Mickey growls, because what the hell else can he say? It’s frustrating to see the guy he’s pretty sure he fucking loves lying there slowly wasting away after a fucking overdose.

‘I’m… fine.’

Maybe Ian trails off because he’s finally going to get some sleep. Maybe he trails off because he’s still mentally exhausted. He’s not confident it’s the former but he’s still hopeful.

‘Okay. How about a shower or somethin’? You’ll feel better,’ Mickey weakly suggests, edging closer to the bed, feeling surprised that he’s craving Ian’s skin under his fingers because it’s not even in a sexual way, he just wants Ian to be okay and to be able to respond.

‘You don’t know that,’ Ian mutters, shifting under the covers again. Mickey’s heart is in his throat because he thinks _finally_ Ian might turn around to willingly look at him.

‘Can’t hurt trying.’

The silence stretches on and Ian’s still not looking at him, Ian’s still not _Ian_.

Mickey breathes out a huge sigh and roughly wipes at his eyes where he can feel moisture begin to build up. There’s no way he’s making Ian feel worse by crying in front of him again, he owes him that much. ‘Alright… Okay.’

It’s crushing that there’s nothing he can do but wait. He’s completely out of his depth and the whole situation’s just swallowing him up until there’s nothing left but fear and upset.

When Ian gets better, he’s going to tell him straight just how he feels. It’s about fucking time, right?

*

It’s weird to see Ian up and about, doing normal tasks, coddling the baby, chatting to Mandy, kissing Mickey. It’s weird. There’s been months without this.

Mickey doesn’t particularly like seeing Ian in the kitchen, it’s too much of a trigger for memories, too much of a similarity and has him on edge. Really a lot fucking worse that he’s cooking pancakes. Déjà vu in the worst way.

‘Mick, could you-‘

‘I love you.’

Ian stares at Mickey until he curses, hearing the pancake sizzle and start to burn in the pan. He hastily moves the pan off the hob and swivels back around to face Mickey.

‘What?’

Mickey clenches his jaw and steels himself to repeat it. It’s fucking hard, but he’s learnt how important Ian is and how he deserves that reassurance that Mickey really does care. ‘I, uh, I love you.’

Ian’s face looks like it’s going to crumble for a second, like he can’t take it. Then he just looks so _happy_ and like that was the exact right thing for Mickey to say. He surges forward and pulls Mickey into a tight hug and _Jesus_ , he really has missed this.

‘You better stick around, okay? I don’t say that to just anyone, motherfucker,’ Mickey breathes into Ian’s neck. Ian chuckles and locks his arms more firmly around Mickey.

‘Can’t promise anything, Mick, you know that. It doesn't just go away,’ Ian sighs, gripping the back of Mickey’s head.

That practically shreds Mickey’s heart into fucking pieces. Ian’s basically saying this whole thing could occur again and Mickey’s not sure he can deal with it to that extreme. Mickey doesn’t say anything else though and if Ian feels him tighten his hold on him, he doesn’t comment.

**Author's Note:**

> [Send me prompts if you want :)](http://southsidemilkovich.tumblr.com)


End file.
